The May Project

Sunday, May 01, 2005

05.01.05--bet. 11:00 p.m. and 11:50 p.m.


never much stress anymore keeping passover
though at times thoughts turn to sicilian pizza
and today, past sundown,
my copy editor left with proof pages,
i called ray's pizza,
the same one i've called for the past seven-and-a-half years,
and now i'm eating baked ziti with garlic bread,
with a half-gallon of nestea ice tea
from the powder.

(written 05.03.05--2:27 a.m.)


and christina ricci is nude
i've seen the pictures on the internet
but the movie is upon a shelve
i prefer live action myself
the dvd is due out soon
but i never buy or even rent
but the studio's putting it on premium cable
so i sign up for it
to cancel it tomorrow
i get it position on my bed
but it's the second scene of the movie
(i'm not ready yet)
so i watch all through
see why it was shelved
it was slow
it was boring
it was ahead of itself
and when it is over
i stop my vcr
rewinding to the beginning
to see scene two
and christine ricci is nude
i've seen the pictures on the internet

05.03.05--bet. 10:30 p.m. and 11:30 a.m.


I showered two times in four days
that's more than i have in along time
But I wanted to wake up and
work on the paper,
I wanted to wake up to start my day.

and I know,
it makes me feel better,
and I know,
I couldn't feel worse,
and I know,
it makes me feel better,
and I know,
I don't really care.

(written 05.05.05--12:54 a.m.)


eat when it's time to eat
when your stomach begins to growl a bit,
cause if you keep putting it off
your dinner and bedtime they will fit

right now my belly is full,
cause i ate three hours too late tonight
and it's time for me to go to bed
the sleep is gonna be off, not right

(written 05.06.05--1:30 a.m.)


i keep dozing off every night
do the head bob and wake up a bit later
it was 30 minutes or maybe more tonight
effects my sleep, i breath deep, time to make i ice tea

when will i sleep regularly
but eight hours is not for me
i shoot for six but don't get it
i drink too much at bed
so i get up two times
my sleep patterns real sad.

(written 05.07.05--2:29 a.m.)


at my folks
there is juice
(a lot of it)

at my home
that i can't choose
(to drink of it)

but i am here
and i drink all of it
from the orange to the apple
even the grape
(throw in some chocolate milk,
from my mom's school)

in the morning
i test my blood sugar
(maybe not,
mmmm, hmmm,
maybe not)

(written 05.07.05--11:08 a.m.)


st. elmo's fire
it made me sad
they all had so much fun
made me feel so bad

where was all that for me
sitting all alone
all of the hijinks
all the getting stoned

just like last night
at the movies with mom and dad
ashton kutcher and amanda peet
they made me feel so sad (too)

from not knowing each other
to friends and then lovers
me i've got no prospects now
not even under the covers

05.08.05--11:08 p.m.


the family together
for mother's day
there wasn't a single fight
yes, yes way.

my sister said
to say hi to her husband
we even shook his right hand
and sat in the den

the interaction
with him was minimal
but he didn't wish me dead
so it's like i'm his pal.

05.09.05--8:58 a.m.


She looked like Rena Sofer
when she got on to the train.

And she looked like Rena Sofer
when I looked at her again.

And when she went to exit
at the final destination

She smiled back at me
for her egress to Penn Station.

(written 05.11.05--12:32 a.m.)


six dollars and ninety-three cents
that's all that i need
six dollars and ninety-three cents
for lunch to give me some feed.

i walked around the corner
and ordered a value meal
i walked around the corner
please fries and soda large, that's how i feel

six dollars and ninety-three cents
i gave her two singles and a five
six dollars and ninety-three cents
mcdonald's makes me feel so alive.

(written 05.12.05--12:29 a.m.)


all day long
i make crystal light
sixty-four ounces
i drink it right

i ran out
of lipton ice tea
now crystal light
lemonade it's for me

i wanted milk
all the day long
to mix with u-bet
my chocolate milk strong

(written 05.13.05--12:39 a.m.)


i'm planning to buy candy
goldenberg's peanut chews
i go to the newsstand
and i donn't see it there

i ask the newsstand man
where are the peanut chews
he passes them to me
here they are

they've changed the name
a new company makes them
they've changed the taste
i'm not happy i tell you
i'm not happy

(written 05.14.05--2:36 a.m.)


i'm making too much for medicaid
so now i'll have to pay for my drugs and docs
it's not good when you're manic-d
or a diabetes newbie

i'm going to ask all my docs this week
when i see them before the cut-off
to give me double- and triple-size refills
until i figure a way out

i am in that limbo
where i earn too much for medicaid
but too little to pay for my drugs and docs
i'm missing my lithium already
the truth is i'd kill for it.

(written 05.15.05--2:50 a.m.)


please don't tell anyone
that today for the third time
(not today but i mean overall)
i watched the movie on the line,
starring lance bass from n sync,
i know that it's slight,
but it's an ok romantic comedy
with some baseball in it, too
and al green.
it's one of those movies
that i'll watch again
and again.

05.15.05--11:56 p.m.


to the mets game i go
it's hard when you don't leave the house
i think of the stairs i'll walk
are they uphill?
is there an escalator?
i think next time
i'll pack my bags lighter.

(written 05.17.05--12:37 a.m.)


calling to save my medicaid
i think through all of my options
if i file an appeal
they'll keep my benefits going

i may have to cut my hours at work
to get underneath medicaid's ceiling
balance out if i lose 10 will the money offset
the drugs and doctors i'll be getting free again.

(written 05.18.05--12:33 a.m.)

we have a new intern at work
she's the only one new this year
the description of her that was given to me
made me think she wouldn't look so keen

but yesterday she showed up
(and today once again)
and the description of her that was given to me
well, it was wrong

i'm enjoying looking at her
in the desk where she has been sitting
the description of her that was given to me
as i stare i realize it means nothing

(written 05.19.05--12:25 a.m.)


and i am doing work at work
it really is so beyond me
i get memberships to fix
then hand them to yoram to see

i mean, i am still fucking around
50 minutes to eat my yogurt
(with grape nuts and raisins)
and that time is all on the clock,
oh well.

but i am doing a good chunk of work
and when i finish i ask for more
in a dream yesterday my doorbell was wrong
it was the woman i knew, a my age whore.

(written 05.20.05--12:00 a.m.)


went shopping tonight
after therapy
later made dinner
pretzels and chips and onion dip
and instant diet lipton ice tea

did not eat the salsa
or the tortilla chips
made some chocolate milk
ate some pineapple bits

(written 05.21.05--3:22 p.m.)


four hours to kill
and what to do
check three movie theaters
it's just poo-poo

so i go to the comic shop
buy a new pekar
i go get a falafel
wanna drive my car

it's a 90-minute
as i read my comic book
and my belly gets full

i like to read
but my lemonade stinks
so i go to the counter
and ask for another drink

(written 05.22.05--10:20 p.m.)


the thing is when your poor
you have to cut back somewhere
so right now i'm a basic cable boy

i'm watching certain movies
that won't be effected
by the way they edit for tv

i see the occasional fake
dropped over a mouthed fuck
but not so much to make me sad

but i'm sure to skip the gory ones
no godfather marathons
because, hey, what's the point.

(written 05.23.05--1:10 a.m.)


mets and yankees
with my dad
one of those times
when i feel real glad

and i drink iced tea
that i made at home
dad shares my pistachios
it's like we're alone

(written 05.24.05--12:13 a.m.)


took the day off
i didn't set the alarm at all
up early today
tv on the bed it was a ball

made lots of ice tea
that makes me want to go make some now
filled my gallon of milk with chocolate syrup
can i tell you how much i love that cow.

(written 05.25.05--12:05 a.m.)


i said fuck my diabetes
bought a pint of haagen dazs
it was chococolate chocolate chip
it was here and then it was

it's the first ice cream i've had
in my 12 diabetes weeks
tasted good but i felt guilty
i think i'll step back now, yeah.

05.25.05--11:40 p.m.


every so often
i think how easy it would be
to do something
and destroy all that is me

to blow off a reading
that i organized
everyone shows up
mand my rep dies

to punch someone
as hard as i can
to make their face bleed
make me another man

(written 05.27.05--2:00 a.m., approx.)


judy is back
and she im's me tonight
i think we're gonna have some fun

we chat a little bit
then i mention calling her
tell her she is the one

she says ok
i clear off my bed
and grab my cell phone's headset

(written 05.28.05--1:39 a.m.)


i want my medicaid
yes i want it now
because i take lots of drugs

and without my medicaid
i don't know what i'll do
to fix my moods and my my blood

please give me my medicaid
i want it back
i've got drugs left for a month

so to the medicaid
office i will go
and hope the ok comes back

(written 05.29.05--9:14 p.m.)


first step in the house
and my mom yells things are wet
he left the sing on to soak his shirt
that is my best bet

so my dad heads right downstairs
to see the damage done
that water leaked down from upstairs
there would be no fun

instead i grabbed towels
for mom to lay on the floor
and dad removed the light fixture
so it would stop the water no more

the carpets were soaked through and through
went squish with each new step
so i opt for chocolate milk,
english muffins, the west wing, and some pep

(written 05.30.05--10:27 a.m.)


my sister has a barbecue
for dad and her daughter's birthday
early in the morning
my brother says he'll no-show today

it's one thing when he bags on my sister
they've fought for 40 years no stopping now
but dad's turns 75 tomorrow
it don't make sense that he don't take a bow

(written 05.31.05--1:16 a.m.)


i need to catch up on my sleep
the flood my dad caused
had my mom keep my futon closed
and nights of good sleep have been paused

tonight at one an extra west wing
the marathon not yet ending
but i'm up at 630
and i'm feeling dirty
but i want to shower at home

(written 06.01.05--1:55 a.m.)


sing me a song
one more time
eat cherry italian ices real late
that ain't no crime

please sing me a song
just one more time
i never sang all the lyrics
as though i were a wind chime

please sing me a song
just one more goddamn time
i'm gonna go away, ok?
please pay me no mind
please pay me no mind
really, please pay me no mind